Rumplestilksen's TRUE story

This is my twisted fairy tale for socratic class. I hope it shows you the story of Rumplestilksen in a different way...

Many of you may have heard of the fairy tale, Rumplestilksen, where a damsel in distress who is imprisoned by the price, is saved by a magical man who spins straw into gold for her. Not only that, but he asks for her firstborn child as a reward. She gets out of it, however, by guessing his extraordinarily long and ridiculous name. I must tell you, my story readers, that this is completely false. I will tell you it the real way.
Our story begins on a wonderful autumn morning in the woods of Happyjoyfulaughterland. The birds are singing, the trees are flowing in the wind, and blah blah blah. All that stuff. All of the sudden, from the trunk of a knarled tree, a hidden door swung open with a loud creak. A ragged man stepped out of the door. This is the real Rumplestilksen. He has a purple vest on over a white shirt, with brown khaki pants. His hair is long and his beard is untrimmed. He squints at the sudden light, as if he hadn’t been outside for months.
“Ah! Finally! I’m back from summer camp!” Rumplestilksen exlaimed. (Its Rump, for short.) Flinging his arms up in the air, he began to frolic merrily through the woods, relieved to get away from that dreadful prison that someone had managed make into a summer camp. While he was wandering thus, he thought he heard a strange noise. He began walking towards it, and suddenly fell into a hole in the ground, and landed in a giant pile of straw with a big ‘poof!’ He looked around, dazed, at his new surroundings.
He was in a dreary dungeon, made entirely of stone. The only source of light was the hole he had just fallen through. He was in the center of the room, in the straw. In one corner was a staircase with a black chained door at the top. Directly in front of him was a large spinning wheel. On its seat was a crying young girl. He realized that she was the source of the noise that he had heard. She had long, blonde hair that covered her weeping face. She wore a simple brown apron over a white dress. She looked up from her hands, tears streaming down her cheeks. Then a look of hope dawned on her face.
“Oh magic man who has appeared unto me in my time of need! Will you help me?” The girl exclaimed, standing and waving her arms. (She thought that he had appeared by magic, due to his sudden appearance and the cloud of dust.)
“Why, I am not magic. I came here quite by accident. In fact, I just came from a place very similar to this.” Rump said, confused. He looked around once more. “Where am I?”
The look of excitement fell off her face. “So you have not come to help me?” The girl said, bowing her head.
“No. I am just a simple man who has returned home from summer camp.” He replied, grimacing as he said ‘summer camp’.
“Humph. There are no good people to rescue a damsel in distress these days.” The girl complained, sitting back down on her seat with a ‘humph’.
“Why, I suppose I could try to help you.” Rump said slowly. “What do you need done?”
“My dreadful father sold me to the prince because he said I could spin straw into gold! Now I have been thrown into this horrible dungeon until I turn all of that straw,” she said, pointing at the large pile Rump was on, “into gold. I just don’t know what I’ll do. It’s impossible.” The damsel said hopelessly, shrugging her shoulders.
“Hmmm.” Rump mumbled. He stood up and began pacing back and forth. What have you tried so far?” He asked, looking at the girl.
“Everything! I’ve jumped on it, kicked it back and forth, mixed in water with a gold necklace, and even spit and it and yelled ‘turn into gold’! Nothing seems to work.”
“ I know just the thing!” Rump said excitedly. “You see, at my summer camp, we learned about the subatomic structure of elements, so technically, by dividing the straw into single elements, I could change the atomic mass and shift it from one form to the next! All I need is a microscope and some incisors.”
“What?” the girl said, a stained look on her face. “What do they teach at summer camps these days?”
“It didn’t deserve to be called a summer camp.” Rump mumbled. He looked around for tools for his experiment. Fortunately he managed to find a needle in the haystack for some incisors, and there just happened to be a microscope next to a skeleton which was shackled against one of the walls. So he got to work.
He began picking and prodding at the straw to find its elemental composition. Once done, he divided the different parts into piles. Then he removed single atoms from one piled and placed them in the other until it turned to gold. (Remember people, it’s a fairy tale. Magical things happen.) At first, the girl seemed interested, but quickly dozed off watching him prick at the straw. It was hard and tedious work, and he often had wrong cuts or pricked his fingers with the needle. But after hours of subatomic-surgery, he managed to at last change all the straw to gold. When he had finished, the girl was still asleep. He woke her, poking her gently.
“Wha…” she mumbled, looking around. Then she saw Rump in front of her. “Are you done?” she asked, her face lighting up.
“Yes, I managed to change all the straw into gold.” He replied, a proud look on his face. Behind him sat a large pile of shining gold.
“Wonderful! You may go now, I suppose.” she said, shooing him away with her hand.
“What!” Rump yelled angrily. “Don’t I get something in return, like a handkerchief or something?”
“What?! That’s only in fairytales. If I get a cold, I’ll need it for myself.” She said turning up her nose.
“I just spent hours of work for nothing! I must have something in return for giving you a piece of my miserable life!” Rump said, pointing an accusing finger.
“You’re supposed to rescue a damsel in distress, not help her then get paid for it! Besides, I’m in a dungeon, and I have nothing to give to you.” She crossed her arms, finalizing the statement.
Rumplestilksen was not about to be outdone by some stupid dungeon girl he thought for a moment, then got an idea. “Yes there is. The price will obviously want to marry you after you give him all of this gold. I want to have your part of your wealth after you marry him.” This was a perfectly reasonable request, of course. But the young girl was selfish, and wanted to keep all of the gold for herself. Later, she made up the story of ‘firstborn baby’ to cover up the fact that he had mad a fair request.
“No! Absolutely not!” She yelled in reply. “I don’t have to give you anything. You’re the one that volunteered to help me in the first place!” She put extra emphasis on volunteered.
“I will not leave until I get something in return!” Rump screamed back. But then he stopped for a second, and got another idea. “I’ll tell you what. If you can guess my name, I’ll leave. But if you get it wrong after 3 tries, I get what I want.”
“Fine.” She said. “I’ll do it.”
“Well, then, start guessing. You only get three tries.” He said, a look of triumph on his face.
“Why, that’s simple. It’s Rumplestilksen.” She said matter-of-factly. Rump’s jaw dropped.
“How… how did you know?!” He shouted in despair.
“You’re still wearing your tag from summer camp, silly.” He looked down on his shirt, and, sure enough, he was. Rump slapped his head.
“Farewell, then. I won the bet, fair and square.” The damsel said. She glared at him with a glint of victory in her eyes. Poor Rumplestilksen began to walk toward the door, his head bowed in defeat. But just as Rump was walking out the door, he grabbed all of the golden straw and ran. For some reason the guard outside the door did not try to stop him. The girl screamed in rage behind him as he ran away laughing, his fortune secured. Thus Rumplestilksen became rich and happy, and Hailerillapamimaryadeline was trapped in the dungeon forever.

The End